I don’t take responsibility for my deeds.

Tired of browsing through dating profiles chanting like Dorothy: Lions, tigers and bears, OH MY!

Disclaimer: This is written spil an informative, yet entertaining chunk. Please do not think for a 2nd that any of this content is scientific, educational, given by a trained professional or written by a verdadero comedian (hey, at least I attempt to be funny).

Bot hitting a wall with online dating? Seems like all of your “matches” look like they’re compiled from America’s Most Desired, or Lovemaking Maniacs Anonymous? Well, you’re not alone. Personally, I’m tired of observing studs with sunglasses, and baseball caps using their cellphones to photograph themselves ter the car or ter their bathroom mirror. Ew. How about the rippled muscles with no T-shirt on? Ewww! How about the shirtless pics poolside ter Vegas with other women? EWWWWW! Dudes, you need to brush up on your dating profile etiquette. I’d help you, but I get paid.

One day spil I browsed my fresh matches, I wasgoed taken aback by how infantile and insipid most fellows were ter their profiles. And, I love you guys, but shoot, do you have to give away right off the bat how immature, bitter or boring you are? Geez, I’m a creative writer. I get paid by guys like you to write a “better” version of themselves to appeal to women. If you can spare $Ten vanaf pagina, I’ll write you an outstanding description assured to bring rente from the ladies.

Here’s my interpretation of what women see when they read dating profiles from (not so eloquent) dudes:

  1. “I’m just looking to see what’s out there.”I’m looking for a hookup. Not indeed serious (or mature enough) to be te a commitment right now. Or, I’m already ter one, just want to see if someone is worth cheating on hier for. Either way, I’m immature, emotionally unavailable, or not serious about dating. But at least I’m semi-honest about it.
  2. “No games!”I’m so bitter! I had a woman cheat on mij, or I cheated on hier, but I know that games are played, and I’m on high attent if you pull that sh*t with mij! Notice the exclamation points?! I’ve got issues!
  3. (Sends a message of) “Hi!”Um, I’ll have a side of fries with the insecurity.
  4. “I get bored lightly.”You are lightly replaceable, just like all the other things te my life I get bored with. NEXT!
  5. “Looking for a fresh commence.”I should have seen a therapist about my unresolved childhood issues that bruised my prior relationship, but I like the ‘sweep it under a rug’ method of healing. Hope you don’t mind getting the same bad behavior ter our possible relationship.
  6. “Looking for an easy-going lady.”(Very first off, only females Eighteen and under are considered “women”. ). I don’t want to have to earn your love, so if you don’t waterput out right away, I’m not going to waste my time on you.
  7. “You can look your fuckhole life.”Enough said. (Note the spelling–Freudian slip).
  8. “Looking Four Joy.”I’m too lazy for zindelijk English, so I’ll use text. I’m just playing, are you spel?
  9. “Willing to lie about how wij met.”I’m married. And a empaquetar. Do you need more temptations to want to meet mij?
  10. “U never kno”Indeed, that wasgoed on a Positivo profile.
  11. “Free dinner ensured. True love. “I buy love. But I don’t know what love is because I’m incapable of feeling it. Who wants to meet up for a free dinner?
  12. “I’m just looking to meet some females.”You ‘females’ are just an object. And I need to use you. So any of you ter heat– call mij!
  13. “If anyone asks, wij met at church.”I’m a embalar, and a cheater. Please see #9.
  14. “Only fair, truthful, faithful need apply.”I got burned or burned someone from cheating. I’m scarred, or will never trust anyone because I’m untrustworthy. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother to mention this te my profile. Oops, see #Two and #Five.
  15. “Just looking for friends.”With benefits. Otherwise, I’m a major loser who can’t make friends on my own ter actual life.
  16. “Awesome teacher for you.”I’m into S and M, and I will make sure you suffer for being a bad chick.
  17. “Would like to meet someone joy.”I’m a narcissist who needs someone to make mij glad, voorstelling mij a good time, and entertain mij. If you can’t feed mij 100% positive vibes, I’ll reinstate my dating profile.
  18. “Are there any existente women out there?”I’m tired of dating thesis robots, and want to feel actual skin.
  19. “Are there any good women out there?”I’m looking to meet up with an underage female who isn’t tainted by life. Please refer to #1, 8 and Eighteen.
  20. “I eat women like you for breakfast.”What? See #16.
  21. “Don’t read my profile.”I think switch sides psychology is so cool. And yes, I’m stuck te the 80’s.
  22. “No schouwspel queens!”I don’t take responsibility for my deeds. Ter fact, I become aloof te all my relationships. Then, when the stuk queens lose their patience, I point my finger at them and say, ‘see, you’re the crazy one!’
  23. “I’m not your daddy, so be independent.”I’m not going to pull my weight te the relationship, ie: do dishes, laundry, overeenkomst with kids or cook for you, but I expect you to bring te a paycheck.
  24. “I’m possibly the best catch on this dating webpagina.”I’m a narcissist, and you better be the best woman there is, too!
  25. “I’ll pack this out straks.”Around the same time I’ll have time for you after I’ve ‘had you’. I’m the professional of lazies, so come get mij ladies!

I’m sure there’s more stuff you’ve seen online that would make people’s skin crawl, but this wasgoed material taken from just one night of browsing. Yes, ladies, the guys are this dense.

Good luck te your dating pursuits, and don’t be fooled by what fellows write. Do a google search before you meet them, and if he doesn’t call before your very first meeting, there’s some crimson flags right there. Blessed dating.

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